Not Alone #51 – By Shannon

I guess becoming an atheist started when I was little, I just didn’t know it at the time. I was too young to understand, so I just went with what I was told.

All my family is Christian, my aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings, mother and father. They are all Christian, some more religious than others.

When I started school I was sent to a Catholic school until first grade. I moved many times to different schools which opened me up to different ideas and helped me become the accepting person I am today. From a to a public school, to a private school, to a different public school, then back to the first public school. Finally, to the public school I go to now, I have been at since sixth grade. I am in tenth grade now.

I developed a logical way of thinking over time. So as I grew older and went to church, I would always ask many questions on what was being preached in the church and taught in sunday school. As a child none of the answers seemed to make sense but I just said “okay” and went with it. Even now they don’t seem to make sense.

One question that went through my mind was, “If god is the nicest being in the universe why would he send people to hell. Even if they have never heard of him and have done nothing wrong?”
I would always end up with the same answer, “God sends them signs so they can see that he is there.” For me I have never seen signs of this god except a person telling me he is there and telling me that the bible is all I need. To me this is not a sign. It’s just something someone says and the bible is just a story made by a person like everyone else.

What really pushed me was when I went back to my first public school. I was bullied and I was an outcast. The people I called friends pushed me away and I was alone. People said, “Pray to god, stay faithful, ask for forgiveness, you’ll be happy and god will help you be happy.” I prayed to god for love and to find someone outside of my family that would care, but nothing and nobody came. I was alone the whole time and it changed me. I was not a kind person for a long time. I stayed in the dark and did not take care of myself. I felt I was not worth it. By believing in a god I was only being hurt. I prayed when I could have done something to make life better for myself.

I was frightened of the idea of being alone when I moved to the school I am in now. But this is where I was told of the idea of an atheist, and where I came out as one. I have many friends and people accept me as an atheist. I became a better person and found myself. The mean person I was is gone and a nice person replaced it. I didn’t need god to do it. I just had to do it myself. People do look at me weird and judge me. But I’m not them and I don’t worry. I have the people I need in my life. I have a friend for life. She is Christian but she doesn’t judge me. She likes things with crosses and I don’t. So she told me to look at them as lower case T’s. I have an amazing boyfriend who is also an atheist. We have been dating for almost a year and he has very much opened me up to being an atheist and not letting what other people think get in the way of what I want for myself. My family did reject me when I came out. My mom wanted to force me to church and youth group. Any of the holidays my family celebrated they wanted to exclude me from. My mother even told me I had no love, was not caring and was a terrible person just because I believed in no higher being. I was able to rise above this and think better of myself, rather than what she thinks. Mean spirited people are all over the world and these people are also in every religion. I am not one of them.

1 comment
  1. @slowroast77 said:

    No child should be told those things by a parent. I’m sorry for what you’re going through and glad that you have a couple people you can speak with. Stay strong, it will get better!

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